The 6 Months Mark of Death

I think I have already mentioned in earlier blogs that I have ADHD. This is not a joke. It’s something I struggle with every day.

A couple of the traits I struggle the most with:

  • Boredom
  • Boredom 6 Months into a Job
  • Boredom
  • Boredom

First bullet – Boredom. My therapist tells me that for an ADHD person boredom is like a death sentence. I agree. For me boredom is not a mood, it’s not being fussy and picky, it’s not avoidance behavior. It is, however, an anxiety trigger.

I’m bored at work and my anxiety triggers and my veins begin jumping inside my skin. What to do? Go for a walk. Drink more anxiety inducing coffee. Ask to work from home (denied). Anything to get out of the routine of being in the office where I am bored.

Second bullet – Boredom 6 Months into a Job. This is really not good for me. But it happens every time I start a new job, 6 months later, I’m bored. At 6 months, I’ve got the routine down, I’ve figured out the software enough to document it. I usually finish documenting it well before its release. I prefer to be running against a deadline, but at 6 months, I’m ahead of it. Not much to do. The anxiety to relieve the boredom kicks in. I act out, I lose another job. (Not this time – yet!)

Third bullet – Boredom. At work I start to look for an online degree. Preferably a Graduate program, I have like 3 BA’s. Need something quick and cheap. This search can become obsessive. I get calls from Admissions people. I get irritated and I don’t pick up the calls. The anxiety continues. Veins jumping.

Fourth bullet – Boredom. At home, I lose interest in everything. After work, it’s all I can do to feed the cats and feed myself. I just want to go to bed and play games on my tablet. I lay there thinking, I need a hobby, but I’m uninterested in everything so I can’t figure out where to start.

I want to move. Anywhere but here. I’ve lived in my townhouse for 11 years – that’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere including the places I lived in with my parents.

Actually, I’ve always wanted to go back to my birth city – Los Angeles. But I am uninterested and can’t figure out how to plan that move.

Now the anxiety and boredom turn into depression. And that’s really not good. That’s just a bad neighborhood I need to stay out of.

However at this 6 month mark, October 2018, my meds are actually keeping me out of that bad neighborhood.

It does call to me though. This month has so many anniversaries of and grief of and lost opportunities of that it is hard not to stroll into that neighborhood. But like I said the meds are keeping me out pretty much.

Not having much interest in things, because I fell into the boredom cycle, I’m still doing positive things like going to my favorite meeting and feeling so welcomed I’d be insane to not keep going back, doing social things (okay one social thing) on the weekend. This past weekend, I actually swept and mopped the floors! I can’t remember the last time I did that.

I’m starting with little actions because that’s what I can manage. I’m losing weight 10 lbs at a time. No larger goal than that. I’ve made a rule not to ask to work from home and really not to reply back to emails no matter how right I am on the topic.

And I’m posting a blog about my biggest personality struggle – boredom.



Misogynistic Rule of Law

I just finished reading an article online on The Guardian website about “what is white culture?” It was not a complete analysis but it had some great points.

I have a few more points I would add about American White Culture (not sure it deserves the capitalization).

For me, the first most important value being upheld today is misogyny and how it is just accepted and not seen as unusual or warped. How it intertwines in everything in our American culture.

One thing that really stuck out to me during the recent Senate Judiciary hearings for Kavanaugh, is Lindsay Graham’s question, “is there anything in the Constitution about a woman’s right to have an abortion?”

Not only was I offended, I was angry that no one else asked something like, “is there anything in the Constitution about men’s sexuality or that states they have a birth right to govern over others?”

One of the worse examples of our white misogynistic culture is that men are try to define what sexual harassment is. These are men who have no idea that a hug can be a violation of a woman’s body. They really don’t know what sexual harassment looks like and, therefore can dismiss it or believe they have never harassed anyone.

I think that only women and minorities have the right to define sexual harrasment.

Now the Senate Judiciary committee wants to hear the Kavanaugh accuser, Dr. Ford’s story, but they are not going to change anything else, they will vote Kavanaugh in no matter what.

If a man is drunk and attempts to rape a woman – the woman is still a victim of attempted rape. Right?

I can personally attest to the fact that the experience of rape can color everything in the woman’s life afterward. It is not the kind of experience that “fades.” My sister was raped in college and she eventually was so distraught and plagued by fear that she left the college before graduating.

Early on in the hearings, I thought that all the women who wrote supportive letters and then, the spectacle of having Kavanaugh’s children and girls on the team he coaches in attendance was odd and/or inappropriate. I was already wondering why he had to have all this female support before the news broke of Dr. Ford’s allegation of sexual assault.

[What may be even scarier to me is the amount of time Kavanaugh spends in the White House with Trump being coached by him. Trump calls Kavanaugh a “good man” but how would he know? I mean, look at Trump’s behavior toward women and his irrational behavior.]

And, what will stay with me forever afterward is that my government will ignore this accusation and vote Kavanaugh in as a Supreme Court Justice. That will make me sick down to my soul. It will ring clearly that I, or any woman, doesn’t matter and doesn’t have voice. Therefore, I will not be one of the people mentioned in the President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”. Feels long gone now.


The 5 types of mentors you need in your life —


Here’s how to assemble your personal dream team, with tips from business expert Anthony Tjan. Everyone can use a mentor. Scratch that — as it turns out, we could all use five mentors. “The best mentors can help us define and express our inner calling,” says Anthony Tjan, CEO of Boston venture capital firm Cue…

via The 5 types of mentors you need in your life —

Earth Days

With our new regime in Washington, DC, Earth Day, April 22, 2017, seems even more critical, important, and necessary.

I must be getting old. I keep thinking…things like…when did people start believing scientist don’t actually know anything or distribute lies?

When did people start believing that a privilege, silver-spooned, inherited-riches, rich Bully knows what blue-collar (or even white-collar), middle-lower-class struggling Americans’ daily lives are like?

When did people start disregarding Democracy? Why is the government for the people and by the people now the Enemy of the People? When did that happen?

When did America stop being strong?

I guess I’m clueless. Or alone on a lonely planet.

I really don’t have any answers here. I apologize in advance.  Just thoughts and my own suppositions.

I did consider that, perhaps, scientist are not as esteemed as they used to be because they are a part of that class of people who had the privilege of a higher education.

What I noticed in my brief time as a middle school theatre arts teacher, was an increasing separateness of the academically gifted students from the regular students. All the AG classes took place in one hallway of the school. Those kids rarely had to venture out beyond this hallway. They did. But they spent most of their school day within this one hallway.

The other focus included the annual testing of these kids, the pushing of the non-academic gifted students through and out, and pushing the AG students to the brink of their nerves. The teacher seemed to long only for their retirement and if possible to make some extra (much-needed) money because supposedly, no child was “left behind.” Very few were excited about bringing new thoughts, ideas, and information to the students. (Myself, eventually, included.)

These pushed-through, non-AG kids weren’t given any options for their future lives.

What I witnessed was an unequal education. An educational pathway for a separate group of students. It seemed to me what the American educational system was becoming was just another way to support the idea that “us” versus “them.” To separate and keep groups of Americans unequal.

Which is what politics has become, too. The fight between us and them is more important now than governing. Who ever is the “strongest” can continue to fight against the “weakest.” Instead of actually working for this country.

Instead of coming together (oh, god, now I sound like those damn hippies a decade older than me) as was the hope of young people in the 70s, we are tearing ourselves apart.

To me that means, we are choosing to weaken this great country. We are supporting bullies and separateness more than we ever have before. We are supporting hate.

We are choosing to believe that the facts are just made up by those we oppose. And it’s easier to believe the ridiculous because it somehow makes us feel “better” than the opposition. It’s a fantastical belief that the “I” is better (stronger) than the “we.”

For me, when my conscience bothers me, it’s because I’m NOT doing the right thing. It’s  because I want to indulge the fantasy of separateness. I want to wallow in what feels easy and comfortable. I can’t stand to see what is truly before my eyes. It’s too painful.

Coming back down to Earth, is, for me, knowing I am a child of God. As are you. As is everyone on the (best) planet. No matter what kind of God you or I pray to.

This is my grounding belief. It’s my foundation to which I return whenever I start to feel like I’m alone on a lonely planet. And, then, I know I need to take an action. A right action.

152 Days to New Venus

Part I: Landings

“Okay, Mars-bot, what’s the read on the Earth Ships?”

Teddy hated when Johnnie, referring to Teddy’s home planet – New Mars, called her that. “Johnnie – “ she whined and focused intently at her station’s command interface. Johnnie Edelman, chomping down on her daily raspberry muffin, came into the command sector and stood behind her commander, “What?”

“I hate it when you call me that,” Teddy groaned and motioned for her subordinate to take her post, the station to her right. “Get on your tool.”

“Yes, Sir, Captain Wright.” Johnnie shoved the rest of the muffin into her mouth as she sat at her station and spun her chair toward her command interface.

Teddy Wright shook her head. “Jezer, you’re in a mood this morning.”

Johnnie spun her chair toward Teddy and then leaned toward her commanding officer. This, as usual, got the reaction she was going for, Teddy turned in her direction. Once she had Teddy’s full attention, Johnnie gave her a dramatic wink, made more dramatic by her naturally long and extremely dark eyelashes.

“No!” Teddy held up her hand to block Johnnie’s gaze and turned back to her interface. “I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Oh, yes, you do!”

“No, I really don’t.”

“Oh, but, Teddy you do,” Johnnie made a show of shivering and wriggling in her chair, “my new Companion-8 is amazing!”

“I don’t want to hear about it, and that’s an order, Lieutenant.”

Johnnie laughed, “Yeah, right, as if. But you do want to know this, you need to upgrade, man, I’m telling you –“

“Whether I like it or not,” Teddy moaned.

“This Companion-8 has the biggest, darkest –“

“Captain Wright, have we made first communications with the Earth ships?” Oblivious to the banter between her commanding officers, Cadet Reggie Barrett entered the command sector bringing her disruptive eager-to-please energy and perkiness.

For once, Teddy was grateful for the new recruit’s habitual interruptions to her and Johnnie’s conversations and Reggie’s obliviousness to the fact that she’d interrupted them.

Reggie took her station to Teddy’s left. “Would you like me to initialize, Captain?”

“Reggie, you can just call me Teddy. Save the Captain for when the crews on planet.”

Reggie looked over at Teddy with large brown, naïve eyes, “Of course, Captain. Ugh, I mean, Teddy.”

Johnnie let out a loud and quick laugh.

“But, would you like me to initialize communications?”

“Sure,” Teddy answered, “just initialize with Earth Ship 1, to begin with. See what the commander has in mind for a landing schedule. And, then just monitor the other ships for now.”

“Yes, Sir,” answered Reggie, then added as an apology, “It’s okay to call you Sir, right?”

Johnnie laughed again and Teddy reached over to her and whacked her shoulder. Then turning to Reggie, “Sure, that’ll be fine.”

“Ouch,” Johnnie cried out, but no one was listening.

“Earth Ship 1, Earth Ship 1, this is New Venus Command Deck, do you copy?” Reggie sat as if her spine where a metal ruler and yet her forehead was still barely even with her interface monitor.

Over the intercom the scratchy response came – “We copy New Venus Command Deck. Good to hear your voice.”

“Relay your position, status, manifest, and landing schedule, Earth Ship 1,” Reggie maintained her regulation verbiage, ignoring the ship’s captain’s friendly comment.

“Relaying specs, New VCD, ready when you are.”

The more friendly the captain’s tone, the stiffer Reggie’s back became. “Ready for relay, that’s a go.”

“That’s a go, New VCD.”

When all five ships had finished relaying their specs, Johnnie set to work shifting through the information and created a final landing schedule. Her duties included logging in each ship’s list of crew, hold, and mechanical specs. She would find space for any crew that would be using sleeping and living quarters while their ships was docked. Crew quarters were in a separate building from the New VCD; the building was stocked for their comfort. Only the captain of each ship would need access to the New VCD.

After she finished, Johnnie headed to the New VCD living quarters, a short hallway from the command deck. Once in the open lower house level – a combination of living room-kitchen-dining area – Teddy and Reggie prepared their meal and Johnnie with a dramatic moan and grunt fell into one of the overstuffed couches.

“Rough day Lieutenant?” Teddy stood over Johnnie’s prostrate body, holding a large plate out to her.

Before answering Johnnie made a show of groans and moans as she lifted herself up only far enough to grab the plate. “Disgusting, not rough.”

Getting her own plate and sitting on the couch opposite Johnnie she said, “Okay, I’ll bitter, disgusting how?”

In keeping with her routine, Reggie said, “What were you discussing?” and sat at the other end of the couch from Teddy.

Johnnie moved to sit up, “not discussing, disgusting.”

Teddy and Reggie looked at Johnnie, waiting for an explanation.

“I was logging the manifests, when what did I see?”

She held their interest but neither Teddy nor Reggie made a comment.

“Captain Franklin G. Washington proud commander of Earth Ship 3.”

Teddy understood right away and had to suppress a smile.

Reggie, new to the VCD, could not have understood, “What? Is that someone you know?”

Teddy started to laugh, “Only in the biblical sense!”

“Teddy,” Johnnie pouted, “it’s not funny! The guy was a complete prickly to me.”

With her face blushing, all Reggie said was, “Oh.”

Teddy laughed harder.

“Teddy, cut it out!” Johnnie whined.

When Teddy was able to control her laughing the three women sat in momentary silence.

Finally, Reggie offered, “I think you mean prick, Lieutenant.”

Teddy laughed so hard at this she slid from the couch to the floor.

Johnnie gave Reggie a puzzled look.

“I’m just saying that I don’t think you mean ‘prickly,’ I think the old Earth term is simply prick.” Reggie took a hungry bite out of her sandwich.

“Who the hell knows old Earth terms these days? Who the hell would study something like that?”

Reggie started to blush again.

Back at their command interfaces, Teddy turned to look at Johnnie.

“What?” Johnnie was still hot over being laughed at.

Teddy’s eyes reflected her concern, “Are you going to be okay dealing with this guy, because I can handle the Commanders on my own, if you –“

Johnnie shrugged and waved Teddy’s question off, “Listen, I can handle it. Really.”


Johnnie smiled, “Really.”

“Just so you know,” Teddy glanced at her again, “I confirm that he’s a real prickly.”

Johnnie laughed, Teddy had hoped she would.

Johnnie smiled, “I think I like the old Earth term better. Yeah, Mr. Washington is a gigantic prick!”

“New VCD, New VCD, Earth Ship 1 commencing landing sequence.”

“That’s a go, Earth Ship 1,” responded Teddy.

Part II: New Venus

New Venus was built after Old Venus was destroyed during the WWIX conflict. From space, it looked like Old Venus, but New Venus was without the uninhabitable heat and dense gravity of the original planet. The Earth Establishment Year 2107 built New Venus as a penal colony for the WWIX insurgent forces. When the Establishment realized that New Venus could be the sole agriculture food source for the entire Galaxy, the penal colony and its residents were wiped out of existence.

Now, 30 years later, New Venus was, in a sense, still a barren planet.

The New Venus military base remained the only human structure on the planet and measured approximately 11.3 by 8.05 kilometers. The landing strip ran along the perimeter of its entire length.

Earth Ship living corridors for commanders and crews ran the length of the strip on one side. The New VCD compound and personnel living quarters lay on the opposite side.

Each ship’s commander was furnished a luxurious, private apartment with bedroom, living-room, and automated kitchens. Apartment robots were available for cleaning and upkeep. Each apartment had a private command interface for the commander’s private communications.

The Earth Ship base provided an indoor, Olympic-sized pool, a separate Pub with pool tables and virtual-game tables. There was a movie theater where movies could be viewed either for the crews’ entertainment or for training classes.

The building also contained crew living sections behind the commander’s apartments. Ship crews stayed together in separate living pods. Each pod contained barracks, kitchen and living areas, and entertainment centers. The barracks were built for comfort; crew slept on wide, soft bunks. For the stay at on New Venus, the crews could remain in their own pod area or mingle with the other crews in one of the communal areas like the pool, pub, or movie theater.

The New VCD personnel lived and worked in a separate building on the opposite side of the landing strip. Their living corridor was a 2000-square-foot house with 4 bedrooms and 3 baths on the upper level and an open living room-kitchen-dining area on the first level. The command deck was a single-story extension off of the main floor with almost as much square footage as the house. The combined structures were built so that the personnel did not need to cross over the strip and engage with ship command and crew unless invited. Or, if mechanical maintenance and repair were needed.

Crops and fields and the watering system piping occupied the rest of the planet. There was no civilian population so there was no need for other structures.

To be continued…