Misogynistic Rule of Law

I just finished reading an article online on The Guardian website about “what is white culture?” It was not a complete analysis but it had some great points.

I have a few more points I would add about American White Culture (not sure it deserves the capitalization).

For me, the first most important value being upheld today is misogyny and how it is just accepted and not seen as unusual or warped. How it intertwines in everything in our American culture.

One thing that really stuck out to me during the recent Senate Judiciary hearings for Kavanaugh, is Lindsay Graham’s question, “is there anything in the Constitution about a woman’s right to have an abortion?”

Not only was I offended, I was angry that no one else asked something like, “is there anything in the Constitution about men’s sexuality or that states they have a birth right to govern over others?”

One of the worse examples of our white misogynistic culture is that men are try to define what sexual harassment is. These are men who have no idea that a hug can be a violation of a woman’s body. They really don’t know what sexual harassment looks like and, therefore can dismiss it or believe they have never harassed anyone.

I think that only women and minorities have the right to define sexual harrasment.

Now the Senate Judiciary committee wants to hear the Kavanaugh accuser, Dr. Ford’s story, but they are not going to change anything else, they will vote Kavanaugh in no matter what.

If a man is drunk and attempts to rape a woman – the woman is still a victim of attempted rape. Right?

I can personally attest to the fact that the experience of rape can color everything in the woman’s life afterward. It is not the kind of experience that “fades.” My sister was raped in college and she eventually was so distraught and plagued by fear that she left the college before graduating.

Early on in the hearings, I thought that all the women who wrote supportive letters and then, the spectacle of having Kavanaugh’s children and girls on the team he coaches in attendance was odd and/or inappropriate. I was already wondering why he had to have all this female support before the news broke of Dr. Ford’s allegation of sexual assault.

[What may be even scarier to me is the amount of time Kavanaugh spends in the White House with Trump being coached by him. Trump calls Kavanaugh a “good man” but how would he know? I mean, look at Trump’s behavior toward women and his irrational behavior.]

And, what will stay with me forever afterward is that my government will ignore this accusation and vote Kavanaugh in as a Supreme Court Justice. That will make me sick down to my soul. It will ring clearly that I, or any woman, doesn’t matter and doesn’t have voice. Therefore, I will not be one of the people mentioned in the President Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth”. Feels long gone now.


The 5 types of mentors you need in your life — ideas.ted.com


Here’s how to assemble your personal dream team, with tips from business expert Anthony Tjan. Everyone can use a mentor. Scratch that — as it turns out, we could all use five mentors. “The best mentors can help us define and express our inner calling,” says Anthony Tjan, CEO of Boston venture capital firm Cue…

via The 5 types of mentors you need in your life — ideas.ted.com

Earth Days

With our new regime in Washington, DC, Earth Day, April 22, 2017, seems even more critical, important, and necessary.

I must be getting old. I keep thinking…things like…when did people start believing scientist don’t actually know anything or distribute lies?

When did people start believing that a privilege, silver-spooned, inherited-riches, rich Bully knows what blue-collar (or even white-collar), middle-lower-class struggling Americans’ daily lives are like?

When did people start disregarding Democracy? Why is the government for the people and by the people now the Enemy of the People? When did that happen?

When did America stop being strong?

I guess I’m clueless. Or alone on a lonely planet.

I really don’t have any answers here. I apologize in advance.  Just thoughts and my own suppositions.

I did consider that, perhaps, scientist are not as esteemed as they used to be because they are a part of that class of people who had the privilege of a higher education.

What I noticed in my brief time as a middle school theatre arts teacher, was an increasing separateness of the academically gifted students from the regular students. All the AG classes took place in one hallway of the school. Those kids rarely had to venture out beyond this hallway. They did. But they spent most of their school day within this one hallway.

The other focus included the annual testing of these kids, the pushing of the non-academic gifted students through and out, and pushing the AG students to the brink of their nerves. The teacher seemed to long only for their retirement and if possible to make some extra (much-needed) money because supposedly, no child was “left behind.” Very few were excited about bringing new thoughts, ideas, and information to the students. (Myself, eventually, included.)

These pushed-through, non-AG kids weren’t given any options for their future lives.

What I witnessed was an unequal education. An educational pathway for a separate group of students. It seemed to me what the American educational system was becoming was just another way to support the idea that “us” versus “them.” To separate and keep groups of Americans unequal.

Which is what politics has become, too. The fight between us and them is more important now than governing. Who ever is the “strongest” can continue to fight against the “weakest.” Instead of actually working for this country.

Instead of coming together (oh, god, now I sound like those damn hippies a decade older than me) as was the hope of young people in the 70s, we are tearing ourselves apart.

To me that means, we are choosing to weaken this great country. We are supporting bullies and separateness more than we ever have before. We are supporting hate.

We are choosing to believe that the facts are just made up by those we oppose. And it’s easier to believe the ridiculous because it somehow makes us feel “better” than the opposition. It’s a fantastical belief that the “I” is better (stronger) than the “we.”

For me, when my conscience bothers me, it’s because I’m NOT doing the right thing. It’s  because I want to indulge the fantasy of separateness. I want to wallow in what feels easy and comfortable. I can’t stand to see what is truly before my eyes. It’s too painful.

Coming back down to Earth, is, for me, knowing I am a child of God. As are you. As is everyone on the (best) planet. No matter what kind of God you or I pray to.

This is my grounding belief. It’s my foundation to which I return whenever I start to feel like I’m alone on a lonely planet. And, then, I know I need to take an action. A right action.

152 Days to New Venus

Part I: Landings

“Okay, Mars-bot, what’s the read on the Earth Ships?”

Teddy hated when Johnnie, referring to Teddy’s home planet – New Mars, called her that. “Johnnie – “ she whined and focused intently at her station’s command interface. Johnnie Edelman, chomping down on her daily raspberry muffin, came into the command sector and stood behind her commander, “What?”

“I hate it when you call me that,” Teddy groaned and motioned for her subordinate to take her post, the station to her right. “Get on your tool.”

“Yes, Sir, Captain Wright.” Johnnie shoved the rest of the muffin into her mouth as she sat at her station and spun her chair toward her command interface.

Teddy Wright shook her head. “Jezer, you’re in a mood this morning.”

Johnnie spun her chair toward Teddy and then leaned toward her commanding officer. This, as usual, got the reaction she was going for, Teddy turned in her direction. Once she had Teddy’s full attention, Johnnie gave her a dramatic wink, made more dramatic by her naturally long and extremely dark eyelashes.

“No!” Teddy held up her hand to block Johnnie’s gaze and turned back to her interface. “I don’t want to hear about it.”

“Oh, yes, you do!”

“No, I really don’t.”

“Oh, but, Teddy you do,” Johnnie made a show of shivering and wriggling in her chair, “my new Companion-8 is amazing!”

“I don’t want to hear about it, and that’s an order, Lieutenant.”

Johnnie laughed, “Yeah, right, as if. But you do want to know this, you need to upgrade, man, I’m telling you –“

“Whether I like it or not,” Teddy moaned.

“This Companion-8 has the biggest, darkest –“

“Captain Wright, have we made first communications with the Earth ships?” Oblivious to the banter between her commanding officers, Cadet Reggie Barrett entered the command sector bringing her disruptive eager-to-please energy and perkiness.

For once, Teddy was grateful for the new recruit’s habitual interruptions to her and Johnnie’s conversations and Reggie’s obliviousness to the fact that she’d interrupted them.

Reggie took her station to Teddy’s left. “Would you like me to initialize, Captain?”

“Reggie, you can just call me Teddy. Save the Captain for when the crews on planet.”

Reggie looked over at Teddy with large brown, naïve eyes, “Of course, Captain. Ugh, I mean, Teddy.”

Johnnie let out a loud and quick laugh.

“But, would you like me to initialize communications?”

“Sure,” Teddy answered, “just initialize with Earth Ship 1, to begin with. See what the commander has in mind for a landing schedule. And, then just monitor the other ships for now.”

“Yes, Sir,” answered Reggie, then added as an apology, “It’s okay to call you Sir, right?”

Johnnie laughed again and Teddy reached over to her and whacked her shoulder. Then turning to Reggie, “Sure, that’ll be fine.”

“Ouch,” Johnnie cried out, but no one was listening.

“Earth Ship 1, Earth Ship 1, this is New Venus Command Deck, do you copy?” Reggie sat as if her spine where a metal ruler and yet her forehead was still barely even with her interface monitor.

Over the intercom the scratchy response came – “We copy New Venus Command Deck. Good to hear your voice.”

“Relay your position, status, manifest, and landing schedule, Earth Ship 1,” Reggie maintained her regulation verbiage, ignoring the ship’s captain’s friendly comment.

“Relaying specs, New VCD, ready when you are.”

The more friendly the captain’s tone, the stiffer Reggie’s back became. “Ready for relay, that’s a go.”

“That’s a go, New VCD.”

When all five ships had finished relaying their specs, Johnnie set to work shifting through the information and created a final landing schedule. Her duties included logging in each ship’s list of crew, hold, and mechanical specs. She would find space for any crew that would be using sleeping and living quarters while their ships was docked. Crew quarters were in a separate building from the New VCD; the building was stocked for their comfort. Only the captain of each ship would need access to the New VCD.

After she finished, Johnnie headed to the New VCD living quarters, a short hallway from the command deck. Once in the open lower house level – a combination of living room-kitchen-dining area – Teddy and Reggie prepared their meal and Johnnie with a dramatic moan and grunt fell into one of the overstuffed couches.

“Rough day Lieutenant?” Teddy stood over Johnnie’s prostrate body, holding a large plate out to her.

Before answering Johnnie made a show of groans and moans as she lifted herself up only far enough to grab the plate. “Disgusting, not rough.”

Getting her own plate and sitting on the couch opposite Johnnie she said, “Okay, I’ll bitter, disgusting how?”

In keeping with her routine, Reggie said, “What were you discussing?” and sat at the other end of the couch from Teddy.

Johnnie moved to sit up, “not discussing, disgusting.”

Teddy and Reggie looked at Johnnie, waiting for an explanation.

“I was logging the manifests, when what did I see?”

She held their interest but neither Teddy nor Reggie made a comment.

“Captain Franklin G. Washington proud commander of Earth Ship 3.”

Teddy understood right away and had to suppress a smile.

Reggie, new to the VCD, could not have understood, “What? Is that someone you know?”

Teddy started to laugh, “Only in the biblical sense!”

“Teddy,” Johnnie pouted, “it’s not funny! The guy was a complete prickly to me.”

With her face blushing, all Reggie said was, “Oh.”

Teddy laughed harder.

“Teddy, cut it out!” Johnnie whined.

When Teddy was able to control her laughing the three women sat in momentary silence.

Finally, Reggie offered, “I think you mean prick, Lieutenant.”

Teddy laughed so hard at this she slid from the couch to the floor.

Johnnie gave Reggie a puzzled look.

“I’m just saying that I don’t think you mean ‘prickly,’ I think the old Earth term is simply prick.” Reggie took a hungry bite out of her sandwich.

“Who the hell knows old Earth terms these days? Who the hell would study something like that?”

Reggie started to blush again.

Back at their command interfaces, Teddy turned to look at Johnnie.

“What?” Johnnie was still hot over being laughed at.

Teddy’s eyes reflected her concern, “Are you going to be okay dealing with this guy, because I can handle the Commanders on my own, if you –“

Johnnie shrugged and waved Teddy’s question off, “Listen, I can handle it. Really.”


Johnnie smiled, “Really.”

“Just so you know,” Teddy glanced at her again, “I confirm that he’s a real prickly.”

Johnnie laughed, Teddy had hoped she would.

Johnnie smiled, “I think I like the old Earth term better. Yeah, Mr. Washington is a gigantic prick!”

“New VCD, New VCD, Earth Ship 1 commencing landing sequence.”

“That’s a go, Earth Ship 1,” responded Teddy.

Part II: New Venus

New Venus was built after Old Venus was destroyed during the WWIX conflict. From space, it looked like Old Venus, but New Venus was without the uninhabitable heat and dense gravity of the original planet. The Earth Establishment Year 2107 built New Venus as a penal colony for the WWIX insurgent forces. When the Establishment realized that New Venus could be the sole agriculture food source for the entire Galaxy, the penal colony and its residents were wiped out of existence.

Now, 30 years later, New Venus was, in a sense, still a barren planet.

The New Venus military base remained the only human structure on the planet and measured approximately 11.3 by 8.05 kilometers. The landing strip ran along the perimeter of its entire length.

Earth Ship living corridors for commanders and crews ran the length of the strip on one side. The New VCD compound and personnel living quarters lay on the opposite side.

Each ship’s commander was furnished a luxurious, private apartment with bedroom, living-room, and automated kitchens. Apartment robots were available for cleaning and upkeep. Each apartment had a private command interface for the commander’s private communications.

The Earth Ship base provided an indoor, Olympic-sized pool, a separate Pub with pool tables and virtual-game tables. There was a movie theater where movies could be viewed either for the crews’ entertainment or for training classes.

The building also contained crew living sections behind the commander’s apartments. Ship crews stayed together in separate living pods. Each pod contained barracks, kitchen and living areas, and entertainment centers. The barracks were built for comfort; crew slept on wide, soft bunks. For the stay at on New Venus, the crews could remain in their own pod area or mingle with the other crews in one of the communal areas like the pool, pub, or movie theater.

The New VCD personnel lived and worked in a separate building on the opposite side of the landing strip. Their living corridor was a 2000-square-foot house with 4 bedrooms and 3 baths on the upper level and an open living room-kitchen-dining area on the first level. The command deck was a single-story extension off of the main floor with almost as much square footage as the house. The combined structures were built so that the personnel did not need to cross over the strip and engage with ship command and crew unless invited. Or, if mechanical maintenance and repair were needed.

Crops and fields and the watering system piping occupied the rest of the planet. There was no civilian population so there was no need for other structures.

To be continued…

Increased Stimulation

So, why did I repost a post from Ted.com? (See below.)

Because my goal for this week is to “increase my mental stimulation while at work.” I worked this out with my therapist today. Because my job is BORING. It is Boring interrupted with moments of intense and stressed bouts of work. My work is doing the same thing time again. These traits don’t work for me at work.

Or in any part of my life really.

I had a friend once who worked for a pharmaceutical company that kept being bought and merged with bigger pharmaceutical companies around the world. She went through at least 3 merges. She kept getting promoted each time. She got salary increases each time. Not bad, right? Except that she had nothing to do at work! With each new position her work never increased. At the time I was envious because she was making ALOT of money doing nothing. She hated it. She wanted to have work, purpose, and not just sit around.

That situation probably doesn’t happen very often. It’s never really happened to me. But right now, I get paid okay good and only have about 3 days of real work a month. I shouldn’t complain – really, I need to be grateful that I even have a job because I’ve had a lot of unemployment time since 2009.

Let me now preface the rest of this post with the following statement – I am not special or important or smarter than anyone else.

But I am ADHD and an introvert according to Myers-Briggs. And therefore, when I’m bored, which is frequently and quickly, I’m in danger of becoming really, really depressed.

So my assignment for this week was to explore ways I can “increase brain stimulation instead allowing my boredom to settle in.” This does not include playing Mahjongg. Bummer.

So I went to Ted.com and saw this post and it’s really something I need to learn – how to set a realistic goal and how to stick to it.

The H in the ADHD stands for Hyperactivity. Which translates for the Adult ADHD person into anxiety. I have a big job of wrestling with this anxiety everyday. Especially the part of the anxiety that makes anything hard to follow through on. So, that’s another assignment I’ve been given – to “practice following through.”

Ugh. Sometimes it feels like this “co-morbidity” is impossible to tackle. Hence, the therapeutic assignments.

In theory, I understand that anything overwhelming can be tackled if divided into smaller tasks (or goals).

But in action? I have trouble planning what to eat for dinner!

Like with math word problems or math period, a very thick and frustrating fog swirls up in my brain, like a sudden sand storm. I can feel it happening physically. I’m sure only another ADD/ADHD person will believe me on that one.

The good thing about this increase stimulation assignment is that in doing it, I am excited into writing something. Like this. And I can use this blog to share my frustration and “finds” with other frustrated people. Or just people period.

Anyway, I’ve got to get back to Ted.com, and I hope you will check out this amazing website as well.

The Spiritual Synergy of Women

A group of women can come together as sister-warriors forming an immense and bonding force; or, they can swarm and fatally sting at each other, as would a beehive inhabited only with queens fighting for a single thrown.

We are perceived as the latter in the world culture and rarely are free and often discouraged in our journeys to discover and utilize the former.

I was blessed to share this past weekend with a group of my sister-warriors. I almost missed it.

I desperately need female-friends-companions. And, I desperately fear this type of intimacy with women. I have the same relationship with my Higher Power. I’m attempting to grow in both relationship areas.

And yet, I almost missed this particular opportunity in several ways – I let work infringe on my vacation time, I rushed around before leaving trying to prepare and preparing much too much, I got there 3 hours after the weekend began. And, I was tempted throughout the weekend to leave early – the night before, the morning of, when my pain got too intense, and so on. I missed this gathering last year for the exact same reasons. This year, I got a do-over.

I want to share only my experience this past weekend; especially those obstacles I was enabled to overcome through the synergy of  these spiritual women.

Each year this weekend has a new group of women attending – whether they are repeat participants or first-timers. I have participated (loose use of that word here) three times in the past 12 years.

I believe this year was the most powerful and welcoming force for me personally, and allowed me the strength and courage to work through some of my fears and resistance.

Was that because of who showed up this year? Yes!  And, because of the chance of synergy and the power of serendipity, too!

And, also because I showed up this year. The first time I participated, I superficially showed up – because that is as far as I was able to go. I did the activities as instructed but I was in too much fear and anger to actually be there. The second time, I was there a bit more. But not completely.

This time, I feel I was able to be present close to 98% of the time. (I think that 2% of the time my mind went off to its “own private Idaho.” That’s pretty good for a sober woman with OCD and ADHD and any other letters I might combine to spell out ESCAPE! or RUNAWAY!)

I need to acknowledge my parents before I continue. My parents are dead and gone. I am now cut free of the twisted ties I had with both. Yet, I am the person who re-ties or re-binds myself to my parents and their fears, angers, emotional needs, fears, and disappointments. Very early on, I took on the job of making sick people feel better. My recovery consists mostly of learning that I can be free of them; I don’t have to keep reacting to ghosts.

I’m not completely free…. not yet.

So, the fear and hurt and anger I felt at times throughout my warrior-ess weekend were manifested in the mirror these spiritual women held up and reflected back to me so that I might see myself more clearly.

I could see the fear that I would be hurt or even more terrifying to me – that I might hurt others, the fear that my mistakes made me a mistake and bad, the fear that I was not truly wanted or needed, that I wasn’t the person I was supposed to be. I saw the underneath-anger at being denied myself to myself, the compressed-anger from not being heard or seen, the panic-anger from being invisible.

I recognized my own hurt that lies beneath both of these stronger, more powerful feelings. Everything I saw in these other women was my own. Including the courage to change and the aspiration for a spiritual life.

I saw in the woman who said something cruel, my own withdrawal and fear of connection. The sadness and confusion one woman carried for a lost child was my own grief for my own lost child and lost family. The grief and anger of the woman struggling through separation from her husband, I also felt when my marriage failed.

I am also the woman who was sexually molested and the woman who was beaten. I know and have had these experiences – not exactly in the same way, but the emotional damage very nearly the same.

So, I have to embrace the realization that the woman who is so spiritual, so wise, so compassionate is also me.

One kind and beautiful woman told me that the heart I see now as a broken-down shack abandoned in the deep cavern of my chest, she sees as a heart as big as a house.

When I got home, I focused on the woman who said something cruel and I felt mad. I felt like I could understand but I did not like  this woman anymore. And I decided that I would have to talk to my sponsor about this.

Luckily, I continued to process this experience and came to the understanding that that is who this woman is today – just as I had been and could be a person who said cruel and mean things. My attitude evolved into compassion for her on her journey and a prayer for her to find more love and compassion for herself.

I felt more at peace with myself then.

This practice of evolving my emotional awareness is what I have learned from these women and their own spiritual practices. They have taught me to come to a place of compassion for them – and, mirror it for myself.

They brought me to the understanding that fear is the problem and love is always the solution.

The freely given sharing and encouragement of these women helped me believe that I can once and for always let go of the binding ties that trip me up and hold me distant from others.

I don’t know if I’ll go back to this gathering next year, but I believe now that I can go forward more freely in my life.


What am I? I’ve been writing this blog in an ongoing effort to figure that out.

Actually, I’ve been blogging not to find out that I am a writer, an actor, or any other type of person. I’ve been trying to find that “true self,” the person who lies even further beneath a descriptive life’s work-related label.

I came up with “I am an expressionist.” I must express the inner workings, thoughts, ideas, gifts within me, and I must express my unique take on the world around me. (That does not obligate anyone else to receive my expression.)

(Damn it.)

Okay. It’s a start but still not what I am looking for.

I am starting or perhaps re-starting a practice of prayer and meditation this morning. I lit a candle (someone else’s practice) and read from my daily reader of choice. The reading today challenges me to “face the person I fear the most”. It states that this person is my “true self”. The person I fear the most is my true self. From there the reading goes on to explain that my true self is “the person God intended me to be.”

I fear the person that God intended me to be.

That really sucks.

I grew up in an environment of extreme invalidation. Got that from the DSM-IV.  And it’s true. But why am I trapped in mouse-wheel where others may process through to find validation? Oh, yeah, that other trait I share with my fellows – self-centeredness in the extreme. Seals the cage.

Okay, I know the problem. The power of God and the willingness to ask Him for his Will, Guidance, and Grace is the solution.

And, yet, here’s another obstacle – who the heck is my true self? Or rather, what is at the core of me that scares my life out and away from me? Because that is what my fear of true self has done, frozen me in a state whereby I avoid my life.

This is frustrating as hell!

Okay. I sense that I may be complicating a simple idea. For one, the idea of “self,” looking the word up, checking the thesaurus, ah, true nature, character, identity, and person.

(It’s what writers tend to do…“look up” words. I guess that is what an Expressionist does too – try to find the right word or understand the meaning of the word. Or, hell, it’s what anyone with a dictionary/thesaurus nearby does.)

See, now, I take away the use of “self” and I replace it with “nature” and suddenly my mind can wrap around this idea. True nature. What is my true nature that I should fear it so much?

(Not that “self” is the wrong word it just makes it all so, what, Freudian? Which makes it scary and mysterious, mystically un-understandable. Sorry – it’s a habit – making up a story or drama out of a personal conundrum.)

(Ah! Part of my true nature – drama queen?)

I am grateful and blessed to have a friend named Leah in my life. She is awesome in all ways and she is married to a man I love and respect, which is saying a lot. They are both very spiritual and seek within themselves to find answers on a daily basis. I used to wish I could be just like them. To some degree I am, but to the degree that I’m not, it’s okay with me right now.

Anyway, Leah will tell you that her true nature is that she is a perfect child of God. That she was born that way. Then all that junk that gets piled onto us depending on who birthed us, and the people we lived with until we can live without them creates this illusion of who we are. And, we grow up believing in that illusion. Until, if we are lucky enough, we learn how to dig our way back to our true nature.

Or maybe the best we can do is shove it away for a while, or each time we realize we are under it again and need to push.  Because what you get from birth to age (about) 5 really sticks in that part of your brain that is so unforgiving and unfortunately not located in the part that could be lobotomized.

In other words, you’re stuck with that illusion.

That really sucks.

Is there a conclusion here? Not today I am afraid. So, I have to look within at this true nature and discover why I fear it so much that I bend and warp myself to avoid it. I’m going to have to explore that beyond this particular expression of my thoughts.

This puzzle of fearing my true self (or my preferred choice of words – true nature) makes me wonder if Shakespeare knew all of this long before Freud or me or anyone else who could write down their thoughts did.

To thine own self be true.

He also said it beautifully and in fewer words.

(When I’m tired and need to respond to a friend’s email, I write a few words and end with “more later” before hitting send – so they know I got their message but I can’t fully respond yet.)

More later.

PS: I have to post a longer version of the above quote (because I love it):

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 78–82