Friends and therapists have said for years that I was too hard on myself.
In my eyes, I should have known better, done better, not given up. I blamed myself for my divorce, 25 years ago. I blame myself for not having children or grandchildren. I’ve been upset and regretful that the thought of freezing my eggs never occurred to me. I never had the courage to pursue acting as my career. I have a career I didn’t chose but “inherited.”
The list would go on for sometime.
With the help of a therapist, with the work I’ve done in my 12-step programs over many years, and with my continuing to work on my flaws and fears, I finally forgave myself.
For all of it.
I realized and accepted (the A word is most important) that given my life circumstances as a child and as an adult, I did the very best I could do. No excuses, no sloughing off responsibilities, just understanding.
I have felt so light and calm. I didn’t really know what the feeling was at first. Then I just realized that I had finally forgiven myself. And accepted my life as is. I even feel that I want what I have. A life that needs improvement but isn’t a mistake. I’m enough as is.
That may be like “da” to you but I’ve been carrying around a big rock for 58 years.
I somehow lifted that rock and threw it away. I feel whole. I have a lot more to work on but not because I screwed up, but because I want to continue to grow.
That’s all I want to say about it for now. I just want to enjoy the lightness of forgiveness. And, with self-forgiveness, I understand and can now forgive others.