The 6 Months Mark of Death

I think I have already mentioned in earlier blogs that I have ADHD. This is not a joke. It’s something I struggle with every day.

A couple of the traits I struggle the most with:

  • Boredom
  • Boredom 6 Months into a Job
  • Boredom
  • Boredom

First bullet – Boredom. My therapist tells me that for an ADHD person boredom is like a death sentence. I agree. For me boredom is not a mood, it’s not being fussy and picky, it’s not avoidance behavior. It is, however, an anxiety trigger.

I’m bored at work and my anxiety triggers and my veins begin jumping inside my skin. What to do? Go for a walk. Drink more anxiety inducing coffee. Ask to work from home (denied). Anything to get out of the routine of being in the office where I am bored.

Second bullet – Boredom 6 Months into a Job. This is really not good for me. But it happens every time I start a new job, 6 months later, I’m bored. At 6 months, I’ve got the routine down, I’ve figured out the software enough to document it. I usually finish documenting it well before its release. I prefer to be running against a deadline, but at 6 months, I’m ahead of it. Not much to do. The anxiety to relieve the boredom kicks in. I act out, I lose another job. (Not this time – yet!)

Third bullet – Boredom. At work I start to look for an online degree. Preferably a Graduate program, I have like 3 BA’s. Need something quick and cheap. This search can become obsessive. I get calls from Admissions people. I get irritated and I don’t pick up the calls. The anxiety continues. Veins jumping.

Fourth bullet – Boredom. At home, I lose interest in everything. After work, it’s all I can do to feed the cats and feed myself. I just want to go to bed and play games on my tablet. I lay there thinking, I need a hobby, but I’m uninterested in everything so I can’t figure out where to start.

I want to move. Anywhere but here. I’ve lived in my townhouse for 11 years – that’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere including the places I lived in with my parents.

Actually, I’ve always wanted to go back to my birth city – Los Angeles. But I am uninterested and can’t figure out how to plan that move.

Now the anxiety and boredom turn into depression. And that’s really not good. That’s just a bad neighborhood I need to stay out of.

However at this 6 month mark, October 2018, my meds are actually keeping me out of that bad neighborhood.

It does call to me though. This month has so many anniversaries of and grief of and lost opportunities of that it is hard not to stroll into that neighborhood. But like I said the meds are keeping me out pretty much.

Not having much interest in things, because I fell into the boredom cycle, I’m still doing positive things like going to my favorite meeting and feeling so welcomed I’d be insane to not keep going back, doing social things (okay one social thing) on the weekend. This past weekend, I actually swept and mopped the floors! I can’t remember the last time I did that.

I’m starting with little actions because that’s what I can manage. I’m losing weight 10 lbs at a time. No larger goal than that. I’ve made a rule not to ask to work from home and really not to reply back to emails no matter how right I am on the topic.

And I’m posting a blog about my biggest personality struggle – boredom.

 

 

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