Left behind…again

Well, today is Monday – and it’s my office mate, former-office mate now, first day at her new, well-paying job. I miss her. We really worked well together – how many of us get to work with someone who’s creativity and work ethic are similar and on top of that — they don’t annoy the hell out of you.

So, I wish her very well and I know she will be successful.

But here I am, still at this job. And I feel left out.

Over my life, I have had several moments of feeling left out or left behind – not in the Christians-get-hi-jacked-by-God sense of left behind, and not the I’m stuck and can’t move on sense either. Just in the sense of being left out of a person or group’s life or membership. Well, something like that.

I’m the youngest child in a large family. I was always just young enough to be too young to hang out with my older siblings. When our house was too small for all of us because Dad hadn’t reached the top of the Admin ladder yet, I shared a bedroom with my two older sisters. The next house was bigger and my sisters were young teenagers. I had a bedroom all to myself. And, I hated it. I just wanted to be with my sisters. I didn’t need a room to myself. I felt disembodied without my sisters. I just felt left out.

When I went to acting school in NYC, I wasn’t asked to return for the second year of training at the school. I did take the second year privately with my same instructor. When he asked me how I felt about the situation, I said, I felt left out. That they were all getting to do something that I would not be permitted to do. But then, taking private classes was an experience my classmates didn’t get either. Eventually I could acknowledge that as well.

I am not sure where feeling left out comes from but it definitely is a self-centered fear of mine. And, it makes me wonder – who do I leave out? Or who have I left out without realizing it?

Does it really matter all that much that I don’t move on when someone else does, I stay at a job longer than someone else, I get a perk that isn’t a perk to me but it would be to most people? I think the thing that matters is perspective.

When I feel left out, I have lost my perspective of my place in the world, I am attaching my worth or existence to another person, place, group, or thing. And, that always leads to disappointment because no person, place, group, or thing is perfect and able to love me as perhaps my Universal Spirit does. No, as my God really does. No doubt there. And, in that perspective, I believe, that no one is left out. We’re all gathered in God’s care.

I have a friend who loves frogs. I try to find different ceramic figurines for her when I realize it’s close to her birthday. Why does she love frogs? Because she spells it as FROG, an acronym for Frequent Reliance On God. Cool. I’ll use that today to get my head back on straight. To get my perspective on where I am today. And, to remember that I was very lucky to have a co-worker and office mate like the one who has moved on. I miss her. And, I hope that new company realizes the gem they have!

3 thoughts on “Left behind…again

  1. yeah, you feel left out but you know what??? you have to also feel lucky you have a job, especially these days! like you said, it’s all about perspective.

    speaking of perspective; I can’t believe I didn’t tag after you when you were going to for acting lessons in nyc. I took acting when I was in my thirties and really liked it the work, atmosphere and sense of community. If only I wasn’t such a drunk back then!!!!

    • Danny – we weren’t around each other enough for you to tag along to class. 🙂 And, I think you mostly knew me when my 2nd year
      of classes was over. But I think we did talk about your desire to be an actor and a writer, etc.
      Hope you are well!

    • Perspective is right! What is your perspective these days – haven’t heard a peep out of
      you — I figure it’s cus I didn’t invite you for a visit. Hope you are well!!

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